Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Fly the flag - I have not lost hope !

Albert Crackleport here....

I am taking a stand ! Standing up for the common man against 'Dictorial Insurance Companies' who lack compassion, suck money from the needy like leaches, promise the earth and give nuffin.

Yes.....'I' Albert Crackleport, speaketh for you all. Join me, lets march on those who speak with forked tongue.

I have a personal battle raging against 'El Cheapo Kitcar Insurio Companio' for they have hounded me. NAY ! Neer beaten me for information I did not know, but friends I am an honest citizen.!!!!!!A Pembletoneer, All for one and one for all.....

My word is truth.....However, their quest was relentless, threats of imprisonment written on holy parchment were sent by Royal Pigeon.....Brothers, I tell you, I did not confess to knowledge I did not have....only truths...........the suffering was beyond humanity.

Finally on 21st May 2011 I knew information. Information that could release me so I could drive freely upon England green and pleasant land. A message was sent via Postman Pat to 'El Cheapo'. E.T.A. Monday 23rd May 2011. Together with a letter containing the thoughts of Crackleport asking for information and an apology by return.

One would imagine I would receive a written pardon immediately. Documents to certify all in order and fully payed up.

Friends, Brothers, Fellow Oilyracers, I have yet to recieve any such decree.

So, Day 8. Documents lost, possible held due to our frosty relationship.......(childish behavour)

No fear - I have raised a 'Standard'. A symbol of hope. Flying outside 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' is my old skool tie. Genuine article pinned to the clothes prop.

It will fly until my documents are home.....

Each day will now be etched on Oilyracer......MAY THE TIE BE WITH YOU !

Monday, 30 May 2011

Preparing to Launch Little Belgium Pem (part 1)

Albert here - Update transmission from 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' (Secret Crackleport workshop hidden deep in the Northern region of Blighty)

As you know we have experienced much joy and happiness, the 'UK Ministry of Vehicle Ticklers' has passed our Super Sport for use on Englands finest highways and byways. Much quoffing of homebrew in celebration has been performed....latenight 'firebuckets' served as a beacon to spread the news across the valley and beyond into Pembletonland.

But ! Its one thing to have a certificate with a Mother Computor generated number (and how lucky am I to have and to hold such a document ?) its a different matter to be thrashing through the Yorkshire Dales at full bore with Basil K. in hot pursuit in a powerful 28bhp aluminium missile.

Little Belgium Pem had to be made race ready...........Tuned , oiled and suspension taught as a bow string...

One slight fly in the ointment so to speak, I don't know which bolts are tight, which bearings need oiling and which panel might fly off during the heat of battle ? A full check was in order.

Much as I trust 'Arcade Vintabuild Inc' I have to give all areas a thorough looksee as any racer would do before the big event.

So, my fellow oilyracers, here is a tale to send a shiver down the spine...........mainly because I, Albert Crackleport am 50% to blame for the findings. Yes ! Me ! - Vintafaker, Master Pickler and an original Pembletoneer seek forgiveness from your goodselves for this is not good.....no sir !

It was many moons ago that I visited the Arcade. Home territory and the land of Little Belgium Pems conception. (In fact L.B.P. has been in conception for 6 years so I had gone over to pull and tug a bit and get things moving) Anyhows, It was me who had adjusted the handbrake.....I'll say it again for the hard of hearing..


The first signs of strange goings on were at the MSVA test at Beverley. The tester had L.B.P. on the rolling road and was giving the brake pedal the benefit of feeling his size 10 boot.

Footbrake good ! Handbrake ? working.....

Now, heres the little obstacle inserted into the test to trip the unwary.

Read - Secondary brake - Now, as L.B.P. only has one brake at the back on her dual system the 'handbrake' has to bring the braking effect up to the required reading/percentage in an emergency situation...Phew, thats techi. You with me so far ? Right..

So, poor L.B.P. had to perform a miracle on the rolling road.....the tester pulled the handbrake.....the dial showed we were short of whatevers.....he pulled another click, still short....

"Can I pull harder" "Too right ya can" He placed his size 10 on the dashboard and pulled and tugged and the L.B.P. gave all she had. "Let it run a bit, if it gets warm it may score".

Well dear oilyracers we squeezed through on a 'just ok'

So, fastforward to 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' post celebrations. I'm thinking I'll double check the handbrake and re-adjust after the torture it received in the hands of the ministry.

Strange.....I couldn't set one of the pads to the disc.....strip and inspect.

Below - MSVA approved (just) brake pad.

The pad resembled an old coin dug up whilst gardening......The skid mark clearly showing the contact area. Thin as a wafer - WORTHLESS !

Who fit the pad ? (It wasn't me mister) Who checked and set the brake ? (That was me)

Ok, Ok, water under the bridge. What to do now.....don't want to buy a set of four when I only need one and besides handbrakes are very rarely used in Belgium anyway.

It just so happens that somewhere in a margarine tub deep in the cellars of 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' there could be such an item......Left over from my Pembling years

Behold - I, Albert Crackleport, Saver of old crap has managed to recover the situation. 'I knew I had one'

Bit of a clean with unknown highly inflammable substance, a smear of 'Granvilles Copper Grease' and happy smiling faces all around.

One job done. The race preperation continues

Thursday, 26 May 2011

What the papers say

Albert here - A telegram arrived from the DVLA outpost at Garforth last Saturday.
Bad news ? Good news ?
Dare I open this missive ?
Someone had to, so after a calming cuppa tea I peeled back the flap.
Oh joyous moment -A certificate allowing me to approach the maker of number plates and order a pair.
The deed is done in the UK ! Little Belgium Pem is now uniquely numbered as a British asset on Big Mother Computor.

One small step for man !
One giant leap for mankind !

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Those Who Dare Win

A test of the mind and a battle of wills........Monday 16th May 10.00a.m.

Albert Crackleport and Basil K. Splutterpipe were heading on another journey into the unknown

Da Da Daaaaa !

Hitching the Little Belgium Pem onto the black ball that protrudes from the rear of our chariot we once more set sail to do battle with the UK Officials that reside in their Ivory Tower at Rothwell.

Aaahhh hhaaa ! I hear you cry........yes.....deep into the centre of the Rhubarb triangle for the last of the Triad Challenges that must be passed before any fresh mode of transport can have the right to bounce along the black shingle we call 'ROAD'....

Due to the fact that many poor souls have to travel on aforementioned black shingle at various speeds ranging from 0 - 70mph between the cock crowing and the owls hooting we allowed 2 full rotations of the big hand on the clockwork time piece to arrive at the ramparts before the boiling oil was poured on all those who disobeyed orders and reported late.

Most excellent - the portcullis was up and we enter into the battle arena......

Daaaa......... Daaaa........ Daaaaaa.........!!!!!!!

Basil K. and myself (Albert Vintafaker Crackleport) stood before them.......Her Royal Highnesses finest ministry men, hand picked from the legion of 'Fluorescent Jacket and Clipboard Brigade.

Would they outsmart the Blighty Boys with a rear guard pincer movement at the final hurdle ?Could they re-write the MSVA Manual in time to stop Little Belgium Pem earning her colours ?

We stood on the hallowed ground that have seen many crumple before us.......Tumble weeds and dandilion leaves rolled across the windswept terra ferma as the wind blew and blew and blew.

The ministy man approached.......clipboard loaded with photocopies of old failed applications..........Trophies to show his mates at forthcoming darts n doms nights.

To our right another hopeful off-loaded his machine.......Safety in numbers.........2 to inspect at the same appointment time...Ha ! The confidence of the Ministry.......

Little Pem bared her numbers, the man from the Ministry became confused and dis-orientated. Out of his mouth blurted a mumbled message......I think this will be classed as a PLG and not a trike.........Holly Molly.....that was a sneaky move. Fearing more I quickly countered with 'will it get an age related plate' ? Oh yes....he was happy with that one. I have the weight certificate and its well under 450kgs........A brilliant body blow whilst the Ministry were checking rules....

I will ring this afternoon and confirm.........I need to talk to the Mother Computor.

Typical - 'The Ministry of Confused and Not Sure' has struck again.....

Then......In a final defient act the other trike was tortured and tormented before our eyes, the Ministry man taking great delight in inflicting the maximum pain.......

The once proud trike builder was left a crying wreck in the back of his van......his wife comforting him the best she could ...........'He say's it's got to have another Fu*kin' MSVA' !!!!! BoooHoooo!

Hey Basil...Let's get outa here >>>>>>>>

We await papers !

Saturday, 14 May 2011

Your Old Uncle Albert was awake early today.
A very very important task lay ahead. -

A ministry request could not be ignored. - and I had such a request sent in a brown envelope....

Gulp ! Tell us more Alb..................

The parchment decreed that the Belgium had to be weighed.........(AGAIN)

no 'ifs 'n' buts' a 'bart it old bean.....jump to it.

When Goverment hierarchy command then the common man must obey.

Not wanting to fall foul of the Master of Vehicle Registration a very large set of scales was sought.

Oh dear..........the poor little belgium flying machine suddenly became very frightened.........the deed would be performed in amongst the big crushers and diggers of Crossley Evans. The largest and loudist Car Mincers in town......

Don't worry Pem.....Basil K will be helping and keeping lookout for any wayward metal magnet that may swing overhead.

As it was my dear Oilyracer bloggers the place was deserted, the machines lay silent.......there was no squealing of tortured vehicles as they met their maker.........

The Evil Captain Car Crusher was having a day off.......

Quickly we pushed the trembling Belgium onto the scales.............

As simple and as quick as that.............

'Ere mate...........340kgs.............that' 'll be 5 quid.........................

Cheers thanks............

But then I knew that.....................the Bonnie Belgium had only been weighed 4 week ago at the Ministry of White Coats and Safety Hats.....

Wish us luck..................we're off on another trip Monday........

More ministry business....................

Cider at this time of day ? I deserve it !

Monday, 9 May 2011


Greetings Oilyracer bloggers _

Albert Crackleport here.......................Reporting from Blighty's famous Old Sidevalve Bar

I have surprise ! For the 'Arcade Dweller' at least, cos he didn't know I was messing wi' his machine..

I've re-silvered your old headlight old chap..............cost £0.00

An old tech tip passed down by my father when I was about to start my motoring career .

Eeech by eck ! Tha' wa' sum years back.

Anyhows here's the story in pictures..........